Aaron Armstrong

bloggingtheologically.com

Humor

On being The Chosen One

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Solar Eclipse

August 21st 2017 is an earth-shatteringly important day, one that will be remembered in for generations. Millions of people are traveling all over to key locations in America, to witness this event, so they might be able to pass down the tale to their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren (who will then do the same).

I get this. I mean, after all, it’s my 38th birthday. Of course it’s going to be a big deal. But it’s actually an even bigger deal, because today there is also a total solar eclipse that will not be visible in this area again for roughly 400 years.

These events coming together can only mean one thing: I am The Chosen One™.

Think about it. It all fits: I mean, I live in America. It’s my birthday. And it’s an incredibly rare cosmic event. Therefore, Chosen One. Now, chosen for what? I have no idea. It could be any of the following:

  1. I may or may not need to be on the lookout for a Highlander who claims there can be only one
  2. I may or may not transform into some kind of hideous monster at the apex of the eclipse
  3. I may or may not discover that I have a message of good news that needs to be shared with the entire world1

But what will it really be—and does it really matter?

After all, isn’t that the point of these events? The fun, the drama of them?

Some might call it coincidence. Others may prefer a term like providential. But all of that boils down to semantics really. Whatever word you want to use, what’s really important is the simple fact that I, along with every other person in this specific part of America who shares a birthday with me, am The Chosen One™.

 

…

 

Or, y’know, not. But that’s significantly less fun, isn’t it?

  1. Wait, that one’s actually true… ↵

If I were to write a memoir

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books

I’ve lived in the United States for more than a year now. It’s weird, but kind of great. A friend of mine has been asking me for a while now to write about the differences between living in Canada and the US. I’ve been hesitant, though.

I mean, where do you start?

I could go on a Canada vs America rant, which, depending on your political persuasion and understanding of Canada’s healthcare system, could be entertaining. Or I could get serious about everything I wish I knew a year ago (and probably will eventually). So what if it were a memoir?

I could write one of those, couldn’t I? After all, it seems to be that all you have to do is come up with a hook, usually some form of experiment, and then go to town. So what would I call it?

A Year of Living Americally

In 10 chapters, I would cover the most interesting and bizarre features of this lovely nation:

  1. “Free Refills: Shut up and drink your diabetes.” Because, seriously, that’s a lot of Sweet Tea, y’all.
  2. “Let’s all watch the news together!” Everywhere we’ve gone, the news is ALWAYS on. Always. And it’s terrifying.
  3. “Guns: A Love Story.” Every day, I pass a giant billboard about about a gun shop with roughly 50,000 styles of guns available. 
  4. “What the Heck is a HOA?” On feeling overwhelmed by the neighborhoods in Middle Tennessee.
  5. “Everything is Big.” Insert whatever joke you want here.
  6. “Cracker Barrel.” Americana caramelized.
  7. “There’s Booze at the Kroger!” My ongoing shock at the existence of alcohol at the grocery store (and Target. And the gas station. And the corner store…) instead of in a government controlled liquor store.1
  8. “I Got Carded.” On my experience buying NyQuil at Target.
  9. “I’m Canadian, too!” How to win friends and not talk about healthcare with our fellow ex-pats.
  10. “Missing U.” Brief reflections on spelling.

Would it be a bestseller? Probably. Maybe someday I’ll actually write the thing.

Emily Armstrong contributed the funniest chapter titles to this post. 

 

  1. Note: I don’t partake out of personal conviction. ↵

Three new books I should never write

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keyboard

Part of my creative process for writing, well, anything involves coming up with ridiculous ideas. The kinds of things that no one in their right minds would ever want me to write. (Including me. And Emily. And any publisher.) Sometimes these things turn into April Fool’s gags. Other times, they’re random concepts that I share here (which I did a while back). Today, I’m sharing a few of those:

  1. We’re All Visionaries Now. What does it mean to stand out as a leader—and what is a visionary leader anyway, when everyone else is one, too? Together, we’ll discover the secrets of being the most visiony visionary in a sea of visionary leaders. Visionary.
  2. A Year of Living Christian Musically. You’ve heard of the year of living biblically (which wasn’t all that biblical). Now, join me for what might truly be the greatest literary adventure ever told: an entire year living in light of the lyrics to Christian pop songs. How high will my hands go, how far will my arms be outstretched, and will I drown as I try to keep my eyes above the waves during a hurricane? You’ll have to read it to find out.
  3. The Questionable Business Practices Barber: A Financial Parable. Bobby was feeling glum about his finances, so he went to the only man he could trust to give him advice: Kevin, a barber who only accepts cash. With every haircut, Bobby learns the secrets of sticking it to the man as Kevin reaps the benefits.

Now, with those out of my head, maybe I can get some real writing done. (Maybe. But probably not.)

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